It was a sad day on this lonely planet of ours. On Earth, there are approximately 6.6 billion human beings, and of those human beings, approximately half – 3.3 billion – are men. Of those men, let’s say 10% are gay, in comas or are too young or old to know the truth. That leaves three billion men who this morning found themselves breathless as their futures were so utterly destroyed.

Yes, Jessica Alba is pregnant. How dare she cheat on us with another man! How dare she receive seed that is not ours! How dare she expand her belly for her own satisfaction! Jessica, you have made this day a dark day, and we will forever remember. December 12th is J-Day, and “J” is not for Joy.