You Do Realize G.I. Joe (2009) is Going to Suck, Right?

G.I. Joe MovieSome people are excited for 2009’s action movie G.I. Joe. After all, the movie is based on one of the most popular and iconic television shows of the 1980’s. There are millions of fanboys drooling over the release of this film (Garth, you reading?). And, other than the fact U.S. foreign policy is hated by most countries right now (the movie rectifies this by making G.I. Joe an international task force), a movie such as this is prime for the making.

However, you do realize G.I. Joe is going to suck, right? And when I say “suck”, I mean you are going to want to stick a vacuum cleaner inside your own skull and suck whatever remnants of your brain you have left. It’s going to be that bad.

Yes, the G.I. Joe movie is being directed by Stephen Sommers. This is old news, but as more and more casting developments emerge (Channing Tatum as Duke, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan), I finally realized who was masterminding the film. Sommers isn’t Uwe Boll, of course, but in terms of influence, power and reach, he is much, much worse. Unlike Uwe Boll’s films, which are terrible beyond belief but generally make a few million dollars in sales before disappearing into the night, Stephen Sommers movies actually make a ton of money.

Still holding out hope? Let me remind you that Stephen Sommers directed The Mummy. Okay, that one wasn’t that bad, if you like mindless entertainment. But he also directed The Mummy Returns, which is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Disagree with me on that? Tell me you liked the ending, where Brenden Fraser escapes the sandstorm and the little monkey mummies via a crude airship that showed up out nowhere to unleash upon the audience some of the most terrible special effects of the modern blockbuster. Come on, tell me you liked that ending! (if you did, I shake my head in pity) Oh, and Stephen Sommers also directed Van Helsing, another disaster of an action film that also featured some pretty lousy special effects.

And they put this man in charge of G.I. Joe, one of your childhood favorites. I feel your pain, I really do, but yes, G.I. Joe is going to suck big time.

By Erik Samdahl
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  • Haha. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who thinks this. I really don’t understand how much more obvious how terrible GI Joe is going to be.

  • Erik Samdahl

    Thanks FauxNixon! I was expecting to get opposing feedback – I’m glad you realize the truth.

  • Wes Fischer

    I want to hope you are wrong! For my sake, and especially for my 10 year old son’s sake. But even he shares your feelings regarding Sommers flops! No amount of money has been able to cover his lack of talent.

  • Erik Samdahl

    Hi Wes,

    Haha, so far everyone sees it my way! And yes, I hope I’m wrong too. It’s a great franchise to turn into a movie… in the right hands.


  • Mark Craven

    I have to disagree with you. I really enjoy The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and Van Helsing. In fact, my wife enjoys The Mummy so much we have 3 copies of it (original release, directors cut, etc..). Oh, and yes I liked the ending. 😀
    I am not saying that I am a Sommers fanboy and he can do no wrong. What I am saying is that I have thoroughly enjoyed his previous movies so I feel this one should be very good as well.

  • george

    Has anybody forgotten that G.I. Joe is a real “American” hero, NOT a real “European/International” hero?

    Why is Paramount Pictures reluctant to make G.I. Joe an American based military group? You have the American “melting pot” represented in this group of U.S. soldiers already (“Quick Kick”-Asian American; “Spirit”-Native America; “Roadblock”-African American, etc.)

    Look at the success of the recent Transformers (2007) live action movie. Michael Bay depicted the U.S. Military in a very honorable and heroic way. (To be honest with you, when I look at the different branches of the military working together to fight the Decepticons in the Transformers film, I see the Joe team!)

    Why can’t the G.I. Joe script writers just stick the U.S. Military themes in the story line without having to make them an International force? G.I. Joe is an AMERICAN idea and should be portrayed in the film as an AMERICAN idea!

  • Pierre Lauzon

    Lol… Have you made your homework before writing that the GI Joe movie will suck… GI Joe will rock and will be a HUGE HIT… why ? Well, who ever you are i guess to shy to leave his name lol, Larry Hama has been hired for the script. This guy has created GI joe and will make sure everything will be a huge successss !!! So please people, before writing stuff that you have no clue on, please take some time to read about the real facts. Larry Hama ROCKS !!!

  • Wes Fischer

    Hey Pierre, I had not heard that Larry was involved, it would certainly help the situation, as does the addition of Karolína Isela Kurková as Cover Girl mmmmm…

  • Hi Mark,

    Thanks for the comment. I’d like to say I’m happy that you enjoyed The Mummy Returns, but… really? :o) I do like the original Mummy movie well enough, if that’s what you’re referring to.

  • Hi Pierre and Wes,

    Good point on the screenwriter. At the same time, I raise this question: Larry Hama knows G.I. Joe better than anyone, but he has written it his whole life as an animated TV show. Can he adjust his writing style for a more serious live-action movie? I’m not so sure.

  • james

    I dont agree with you about the mummy movies and van helsing but i do agree with you on this, GI Joe is American…”a Real American Hero” come on….do they not realize that they are going to go bust on this in the theatres? WTF…Cobra Commander a scottish arms dealer? who wrote this script? it is utter garbage if you ask me….and please…who thought it was a good idea for channing tatum to portray Duke?….I’m completely disappointed in this whole thing…..they are butchering the GI Joe name.

  • Tin Soldier

    I agree this movie will suck big time. Sommers relies on special effects and technical people to help him through his Mid -West ignorance of the real world.

  • ryta1203

    I absolutely agree.

    1. Stephen Sommers sucks s**t, this guy couldn’t make a decent film to save his life, he’s just been really lucky that he keeps getting those films that “people will go to see regardless because they have high hopes only to be really, really, really let down”.

    2. What monkey did they appoint to be the casting director of this film? Has he even seen 1 GI JOE cartoon?

    3. International Task Force? F**K THAT and F**K HOLLYWOOD!!!

  • ryta1203

    Pierre: I don’t care who is writing this s**t ass film, the casting ALONE destroys the entire film. Can anyone say “Dungeons and Dragons”?? I can. LOLOLOL. Another good this reminds me of is Starship Troopers……. LOL. What s**t ass movies those were!

    This movie is going to blow harder than Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

  • UncleJon

    Mummy1 was ok the rest sucked, BanHelsing was ok for in reason, wolverine was playing BanHelsing, otherwise that movie sucked ass too.
    Stepehen Sommers is a lucky SOB .. thats all.
    For a Joe fan like myself, Im cringing and worried, if this movie gets less than 50% on RT, Ill just watch an illegal bootleg copy of it online, like I did with Spider(S**tman)3

  • DMWJunk

    I read in Wizard magazine that the Snake-Eyes/Scarlet love interest is more of a brother/sister relationship. She falls for Ripcord… What! This is not G.I. Joe. Their relationship should be canon. I won’t watch it.

  • i have been watching GI Joe cartoons since childhood. a year ago, i was thinking why Hollywood has not yet created a movie version of GI JOE. I am very happy now that i can watch a movie version of my favorite cartoon show.

  • Breetai

    I’m not sure if Hollywood has lost it’s Mojo or if Movies like Spiderman & Batman are flukes when they get it right.

    Then there’s Transformers, X-Men, The Hulk (2003) and so many others. It’s like they expect the glitz and flashy special effects to carry the movie. Looks like GiJoe is headed for the same kind of pure disaster. It seems that way, for some reason when Hollywood makes a blockbuster movie they either forget or deliberately piss on the script.

    I’m starting to think it’s big money big wigs pissing on the script on purpose it happens way too often.

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  • Evil

    The movie f**king sucked BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    dumb ass movie for dumb f**ks.
    I loved the 80s cartoon and they went and F**KED IT UP!!!!

  • Evil

    Ripcord was a f**king WHITE GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    god they f**ked it up so f**king bad.

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