The Worst Movies of 2009

Bruno is a bad movieIt’s not always simple to narrow down the worst movies of any given year as, hopefully, one has enough restraint to not watch every bad movie that has been released. There was a time  – before I worked 50 to 60 hours a week at my day job – where I did watch just about every movie that come out in a year, but I’ve shown more restraint lately: if I know a movie is going to be really, really bad, I just won’t watch it.

Still, some bad movies sneak through – primarily due to morbid curiosity – so here are the worst movies of 2009:

10. Year One

It’s easily one of the most memorable Superbowl commercials of the decade: the first Year One preview, featuring Michael Cera and Jack Black as awkward caveman. It also inspired a collective “What the f**k was that?” from the 100 million or so people who were watching. The movie looked like a disaster and, sure enough, it was a disaster. After the novelty of the concept wore off in the first three minutes of the movie, audiences were subjected to an hour and a half of some of the flattest jokes ever told.

9. The Haunting in Connecticut

Contrary to Year One, The Haunting in Connecticut had a pretty good trailer, which made it all the tougher when I realized that the movie was terrible. I figured this out in the first minute of the movie as Virginia Madsen subjected us to a cringe-inducing narration to kick things off. The following hour and a half was a painful, boring and not-at-all-scary rip-off of The Amityville Horror.

8. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

The marketing team for G.I. Joe should be commended for marketing this piece-of-crap extremely well to the Midwest, where the shoot-em-up cheesefest dominated theaters for several weeks last August. That doesn’t change the fact that this is an awful movie. What could have been an awesome, gritty franchise starter was instead a film that was so bad that it’s likely Paramount will have to reboot the story for the sequel. Stephen Sommers did exactly what Paramount should have expected, though: a far-from-realistic monstrosity with awful special effects and even worse acting.

7. Miss March

This Playboy-inspired road trip movie is about as good as you’d expect. Featuring a couple of actors no one has heard of, the teen comedy – about a guy who wakes up from a coma to discover his girlfriend has become a Bunny – is absolutely dreadful. Full of disturbingly bad jokes that give a new definition to toilet humor, Miss March is dead long before it gets going. Thankfully few people saw the movie, let alone heard of it.

6. I Love You Beth Cooper

Based on a book, this Hayden Panettiere teen comedy is almost good, but instead disastrously bad. There’s something about the movie that’s just off: nearly every joke falls short, the plot devolves into a series of cliches and the acting is generally really bad. Panettiere is the film’s only saving grace, but she’s hardly enough to save it from burning damnation.

5. Dragonball Evolution

Based on an anime cartoon, Dragonball Evolution is a laughably bad action movie. Fans were excited for the film until the first trailer emerged, confirming suspicions that everything was going to go horribly wrong. The movie has a nonsensical plot, goofy acting and cheesy special effects. Star Justin Chatwick is horrible. Emmy Rossum is bad. And even Chow Yun Fat, who somehow got tricked into co-starring in the movie, turns in a completely flat performance.

4. Bruno

Following the huge success that was Borat, Bruno tries to go bigger and better. What results is a complete and utter failure. Bruno is so bad that my friend and I nearly walked out; if it weren’t for morbid curiosity to see how bad things could get and the fact the movie is only 80-some minutes long, we would have. I wish we had, because Bruno was a complete waste of time. At least my friend bought the ticket.

Bruno is shocking, but only in how terrible it is. The movie does pick up in the final act as Cohen dives more into drawing reactions from real people, but you’ll have to struggle through nearly an hour of unnecessary setup and flat jokes. Avoid this one at all costs.

3. Mutant Chronicles

Mutant Chronicles is a God-awful movie, but one that is so bad it’s hard to turn off. The best thing about the movie is that it ended 20 minutes earlier than what IMDB or Netflix indicatedr. My roommate and I actually started taking whiskey shots halfway through, but we ran out before the alcohol could take effect. This one is recommended only if you are able to get a large group of friends together to point and laugh at this mockery.

2. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

There’s bad, and then there’s Street Fighter bad. And what’s worse than a Street Fighter movie but an unnecessary, unwanted sequel fifteen years after the franchise’s heyday, starring a TV actress and lacking a plot?

The plot, by the way, is irrelevant because the movie is irrelevant, sloppily directed and edited without a sense of pacing, entertainment value or pulse. There’s nothing of value that comes from this latest Street Fighter monstrosity, and hopefully it is the last we see of this franchise.

1. Halloween II

Zombie’s first Halloween movie was surprisingly good. He apparently got off the acid for a few months and directed the most grounded movie of his career, delivering an authentic psychological thriller coupled with a legitimate slasher flick. The Weinsteins apparently got lucky, because Halloween II is a noisy, obnoxious and trippy disaster of epic proportions.

The movie quickly devolves into a mess of hallucinations, dream sequences and way too many scenes of a psychologically destroyed Laurie Strode screaming and crying at her friends, family and psychiatrist. Zombie, for some reason, thought that he was doing another sequel to House of 1,000 Corpses. This is why Halloween II is the worst movie of 2009.

By Erik Samdahl
Related categories: Top 10 Movie Lists
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