It may be early in the year to be making a list like this, but we are only 1/4 of the way through 2012 and most of the previews I have seen for summer blockbusters have been lame to say the least. Lets take a look at this year’s worst movie trailers so far:
5. The Amazing Spider-Man
I have a huge problem with this trailer and an even bigger problem with this movie. Do we really need to see another Spider-Man origin movie? Do we really need to see another Spider-Man movie ever? The answer is a giant fucking NO. The only thing “amazing” about this trailer is that the studio thinks we are all so stupid that we would all go pay to see Peter Parker go through puberty and take more high school science classes.
I get it, the movie will explore what happened to Peter’s parents. But does that little bit of information really warrant an entirely new Spider-Man trilogy?
4. Men in Black 3
Will Smith looks super OLD in this trailer. I remember back in the day we all loved MIB. There was nothing unoriginal about it. It was a fresh storyline and a great success at the box office, hell there is even a MIB ride at Universal Studios! MIB was a great movie but its sequel was horrible and it looks like the torture ride is not over yet.
Firstly, why are the new MIB’s always about Tommy Lee Jones? Is Will Smith’s character just that boring? In MIB 2 Will Smith had to help Jones remember who he was and in this one we are traveling back in time to find him. WTF? Can they really think of no other plot for these movies? I can think of a hundred different ideas – they work for a government agency that monitors ALIEN ACTIVITY. Have them be fighting the MYAN MARTIANS! Explore the 2012 doomsday theory, anything.
Another thing, Will Smith is a middle-aged man now; he does not pull off the “young cadet who doesn’t really give a fuck” very well anymore. It just makes him look like he has a mental handicap. If Will Smith looks ridiculous prancing around in this movie Tommy Lee Jones looks DEAD.
Bottom line, I think the audience that liked MIB years ago is just a little too old to give a shit at this point.
3. Resident Evil Retribution
This trailer opens up with everyone holding some form of a cell phone/tablet saying “this is my world” which I really don’t understand. Are we to accept that after the end of the last movie the human race goes back to normal and we all decided to go out and buy fucking iPads? Weren’t they on a ship in the middle of the ocean in the last one? Who the fuck knows, anyway after we see about 6 people all happy as shit with their social media devices the camera shows the other side of earth and it gets really stupid. The camera zooms in on ALICE dressed like Raiden circa MGS2 standing on top of the WHITE HOUSE while foul winged hell beasts flap around her.
Are you fucking kidding me? She is on top of the fucking White House with fucking dragons?! It gets even better: after that we are shown glimpses of scenes all more ridiculous than the last. There is an image of the RES characters climbing up what I am assuming is Mt. Everest, a car being chased by a T-Rex/Rhino/WhogivesaFUCK, and there’s even an army of helicopters shooting at Alice (but NEVER hitting her).
I think the best part of the trailer is right at the end when Alice is whipping people with chains in an all-white room. That really connected with me as a RES gamer because I totally remember the part in all the RES when you beat the shit out of people with chains (LAWL). You couldn’t pay me to go see this giant waste of time.
2. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
I’m not going to lie. I know nothing about Ghost Rider, and I did not see the first one. Maybe because I value my time too much to give any portion of it to watching a flaming skeleton on a Harley. Actually that sounds cool. I guess I value my time too much to spend any of it watching Nicolas Cage’s shitty films.
This is probably the worst trailer I have seen yet. Sure you can pick apart low budget movie trailers, but I really think it is something special when a movie like Ghost Rider comes out with something as foul as this.
The trailer opens with Nicolas Cage saying “There is good and bad in all of us. It doesn’t matter how far you run, there are some demons you just can’t escape.” Well, he is right there, because it seems like every time I turn around Cage’s receding hairline is plastered on some movie poster staring down at me. This asshole is everywhere! I am sure the comic book is way better than this fucking movie, or at least I hope it is.
In this new addition to the Ghost Rider diarrhea platter, Cage is trying to save some little 11-year old bastard that the Devil is trying to turn into the Anti-Christ. The guy who is playing the Devil is not dressed up as your conventional Underworld leader. He does not have horns or a tail, instead they covered him in some white powder and made him look like a dried up dog turd.
Cage teams up with the boy’s 20-something mother (they are from Florida) and together they hope to stop the Devil’s evil plan. Apparently if Cage saves the little bastard from the Devil his curse will be broken and all will be well with the world. What follows is a bunch of car explosions, fire, Cage saying things like “HELL YES” and “He will destroy whatever is coming”. What I don’t understand is where are all these Cadillac’s coming from with machine guns attached to them? I guess the Devil owns a bunch of car dealerships. Another thing, why are all of the Devils henchmen dressed like fucking ninjas? At one clip Cage is attacking some ninja shooting a turret attached to an escalade. WhatTheFuck?
The trailer reaches its lowest point when we see Cage in full flaming skull attire standing in front of a small group of troops. One man in the group decides to unload an entire clip of ammo at Cage who in turn opens his flame fucking mouth and swallows all of the bullets in a ball of fire and then spits them back out. HOLY FUCK. I feel like I should be listening to Mega Death when I am watching this trailer. Then after that there is a clip of him flipping a car over his head with one of his chains and then flame skull mutters “ROAD KILL.” Glorious.
I can’t believe people will pay to go see this film and not donate one dollar to those poor little Ethiopians chewing on twigs and playing in their own shit.
The worst trailer so far is Battleship.
When I first saw this trailer I just thought here is another shitty NAVY movie wrapped inside of a love story. How dreadful. But then something strange happens. Aliens appear! In the middle of the ocean and it becomes clear that we don’t just have any ol’ shit sandwich here. This is a deluxe shit sandwich with all the fixin’s.
The aliens in this movie look more like transformers. I guess this is supposed to be a big summer blockbuster and it probably will be. But what does this have to do with the Battleship board game? Does anyone else remember the subplot to Battleship where you play the role of a navy sailor with a bad attitude who enters your captain’s only daughter on a nightly basis?
Or the special edition battleship that came with giant alien action figures that can instantly sink your battleship? I sure don’t. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that at least ONCE in this movie one of these characters will say “YOU SUNK MY BATTLE SHIP!” I am also going to predict that this movie will sink like a slow falling turd to the bottom of the bowl.
Shannon Martin is the editor of ThisTrailerSucks.com.