Five Movie Family Reunions to Avoid

To some people summer is about vacations, maybe hitting the lake or pool, relaxing, spending time with the kids – and there is that. But summer to me also means it’s time to look forward to the annual family reunion. Big family or small, summer seems to be the best time to gather the clan, catch up, enjoy some good food, take a lot of pictures and generally have a good time.

But it got me to thinking, what if I had another family? A cinematic family. And not just any movie family, but a family that would provide the most awkward and downright crazy family reunions. These get-togethers aren’t necessarily going to make for the top family movies. In fact, some may be downright dangerous.

No. 5. The Addams Family I mean, any family that has a theme song talking about how “creepy, kooky, spooky and… ooky” they are, I mean, that’s just asking for trouble right off the bat. Plus, when the most normal-sounding name is Gomez, you know something strange is going to happen… then you meet the disembodied hand or a cousin made up entirely of hair referred to as “It” and maybe you have your reunion in the world’s creepiest cemetery or mansion with numerous hidden passages – some of which could easily wind up killing you. Sure, everyone seems to be having a good time – throwing knives, being as morbid as possible – but if you’re not hardcore goth, you may want to make other plans.

No. 4. The Corleone Family (The Godfather Trilogy) I know what you’re thinking – but these guys throw the best parties. Weddings, christenings, awards – they pull out all the stops. But there is a caveat – when you’re part of the family, you’re part of the family business. And that means you’re likely to be shot, stabbed, drowned or something worse. It doesn’t matter how high or low you are on the totem pole, if you share the family name, there are certain expectations. If you aren’t murdered yourself, chances are you’ll be the one murdering – or at least beheading a horse or two. Oh, and if you’re asked to bring a dish or dessert to the party, make sure to avoid anything with oranges – trust me on this one.

No. 3. The Royal Tenenbaums The term “dysfunctional family” is thrown about so often, it has lost most of its meaning. Yet if there was one definitive family that personified dysfunction, it would be the Tenenbaum family. Filled with gifted children, all who have a genius-level talent, they are nonetheless completely neurotic adults thanks to their parents. Eccentric is like the tip of the iceberg here. If you find yourself involved with this group at all, expect something both profound and silly that will lead to some life-altering experience… but to get there you have to interact with these people, and I just don’t know if it would be worth the trouble.

2. The Brewster Family (Arsenic and Old Lace) Proving that families were stranger even in classic movies, the Brewster family is found of a lot of things: poisoning, schizophrenia, going completely psychopath… Sure, the movie is played off as a “comedy,” but there would be nothing funny coming home to these people. Plus, just knowing that much insanity runs in the family can’t be good on the old self-esteem. The one time when finding out you’re adopted makes you happy.

1. The Sawyer Family (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) If there’s a worse family to suffer a reunion with, I’d be open to hear about it. The food is terrible, the decor is awful and the family members are all insane (this time I mean it literally). Oh, and don’t tell the host, but I’m pretty sure there’s some inbreeding going on there. Which begs the question how you’re related, but just ignore that aspect. When there’s a guy chasing you with a chainsaw, wearing your husband’s face, maybe it’s better to skip next year’s gathering (provided anyone is still alive).

So next time you find yourself attending a family reunion and everything seems so disturbingly normal, count your blessings. Because normal is often far better than things could turn out to be.

Chris Kavan is the Community Manage for FilmCrave.com and he’s pretty sure there aren’t any cannibals in his family.