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The 13 Lamest Movie Characters of 2013

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9. Diana in Identity Thief

In the terrible comedy Identity Thief, Melissa McCarthy plays a sociopathic woman who steals people’s identities – and their wealth – with no sense or compassion of remorse. Hilarious!

Of course, by the end of the movie, Diana has turned a corner, which means she’s not truly a sociopath but just a miserable human being. The problem, however, is that this miserable human being isn’t funny, and even worse, you can tell how hard McCarthy is trying – and failing – to be funny.

8.  Adam Cassidy in Paranoia

Perhaps the least interesting entry on this list because it belongs to the least interesting character, Adam Cassidy, played by Thor Jr. (otherwise known as Liam Hemsworth), was an easy pick because for a lead protagonist, he brings about as little to his movie as any released all year.

Paranoia is a bland, generic thriller about competing mobile technology mobiles. Adam is a bland, generic young man who is supposed to be an intelligent and ambitious software engineer but who never actually proves that he is either.

7. Aldrich Killian in Iron Man 3

Readers of FilmJabber know of my disdain for Iron Man 3, and many of my issues with the movie stem from the cheesy and confusing villain Aldrich Killian, played by Guy Pearce. Years ago he was a neglected nerdy scientist but has grown into a dashing and successful man who has a thing for Pepper. He also has special powers that make his body explode and wants to… well, I am still not sure what he wanted to accomplish.

Does he want to take over the United States? Does he want to get revenge on Tony Stark for turning down a business proposal in the past? His motivations are never made clear, nor are his abilities. If he doesn’t know, I don’t know and I don’t care.

6. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in The Internship

The Internship wasn’t as bad as everyone says thanks to a reasonably entertaining second half, but watching and listening to Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson banter back and forth in the first half of the movie is painful, to say the least.

The two play unemployed adults who come up with the stupid idea of applying for internships at Google. For the sake of having a movie to tell (and a search engine to advertise), Google lets them into the program, where the two proceed to drive their teammates crazy by being as inane and obnoxious as possible.

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5. John McClane in A Good Day to Die Hard

I love John McClane. He is one of the most likable, badass and entertaining action heroes of all time. In the fifth installment of the Die Hard franchise, however, he is an outright disaster.

McClane travels to Russia to retrieve his estranged son. There, he encounters his son – a CIA operative -  who is in the middle of a mission to break a wanted criminal out of prison. Always a man of instinct, he decides to do what comes naturally to him: interfere with what’s happening like a nagging mother, then proceed to destroy half of Moscow to make up for it. Things only get more outlandish from there, though by that point the screenwriters have already established they don’t understand John McClane, or what makes a Die Hard movie tick.

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By Erik Samdahl
Related categories: Action Movies, Comedies, Drama Movies, Featured, Top 10 Movie Lists
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AROUND THE WEB

  • Border

    They couldn’t have made it any clearer as to why swords were not used during PR. The blood was toxic and blunt force was better used instead of swords.

  • Richard Gosch

    You are not lame if you blow up half of Moscow.

  • don57

    Don’t waste your breath Border, despite it’s unexpected success it’s become fashionable to hate on Pacific Rim

  • eriksamdahl

    Ha… Pacific Rim has proven to be a surprisingly divisive film. The more I think about it the more stupid I find it to be, but some people just love this movie. Success has nothing to do with my problems with the film, however.

  • eriksamdahl

    Thanks. I don’t know if they made it THAT clear… I totally missed that reference in the movie. Did they mention it more than once? And even still, punching and shooting wasn’t working… resorting to swords still would have been a better option earlier on.

  • Michael

    It’s not that it’s fashionable, it’s that different things matter to different people. The plot? Predictable and slow. The characters? One dimensional and cliche. The dialogue? I know I cringed more than once. But to a lot of people, that matters a whole lot less than the cool factor of giant robots fighting giant monsters, and the sheer dazzling visual spectacle of it.

    What I don’t get are the people like you who like the way it looks yet feel compelled to defend the parts that weren’t good too. You don’t have to go all-in with a movie and like EVERYTHING about it.

  • eriksamdahl

    Michael, well said.

  • cris

    its one of the first things they mention XD and if blunt force saves more lives than just dropping acid all over the place, i’ll go for blunt force ;)

  • eriksamdahl

    Like in the opening narration? They needed to reinforce it throughout… most people I talk with always wonder about the lack of sword usage. Basically the battle doesn’t turn in their favor until they start using swords, so I’d argue they needed to start sooner – acid blood be damned.

  • joe

    you guys are stupid!

  • Doc

    Welcome to the internet

  • worst list this year…

    Hipster jabber. Your opinions are uninspired and predictable. If you played in a movie this year, your name would get top billing on this list. Talk about lame.

  • Eoghan-Tony Dwyer

    I dont remember them making that point, and if they did, they certainly didnt emphasize it. I dont care what people say about going for blunt force. There are ever increasing amounts of deadly monsters. I think i’l take my chances and use the big fucking sword that already worked. Fuck the civilians. Its a fucking war for humanity where every battle counts

  • Eoghan-Tony Dwyer

    Ye I liked the movie similar to why I liked Transformers. PR defo beats transformers in case there was any discussion

  • Eldo

    Just shut up and go back to your planet, “Erik Samdahl”, you talentless hipster prick.

  • Eldo

    It’s a movie about giant robots!! What where you expecting? Hamlet?

  • eriksamdahl

    We aim to please.

  • eriksamdahl

    You don’t have to read…

  • rahuldey85

    Why you hate on Pacific Rim?? :P I loved that movie.

  • Patrick Bateman

    Pacific rim, “why don’t they use the swords earlier?”, easy answer. so that we can see the awesome elbow rocket, etc. what kind of ‘LAME’ reason make you pay to see a fantasy film if you have so much logic in your head?

  • Andy

    What I don’t get is this: if critics know absolutely everything there is to know on making a great film, why don’t they make a great film instead of sounding bitter and jealous? Anyone can go on the internet and sound jaded about every film they’ve ever seen. If you’re looking for a philosophical awakening and spiritual ascension, maybe try reading Kant or Persig, rather than watching films about giant robots or Oz.

  • eriksamdahl

    Andy, it’s much simpler than that: people have opinions, and this website, like any other entertainment website, newspaper or magazine, is devoted to sharing our opinions on movies. And we expect our readers also have opinions, and they can share them with us (whether they agree or disagree) at any time. If you look through this website, you’ll see that we actually “like” more movies than we don’t, and even many of the items on this list are from movies that we enjoyed. Articles like this are simply meant to drive discussion – not be the be-all-end-all determination of what is good and what is bad.

  • JEREMY JONES

    This isn’t a worst character list…this is an “the author is an incredibly negative person and needs somewhere to bitch and whine” list!!!

  • Greaterfool

    Idris Elba was kinda cool in Pacific Rim, but then again, he was the most talented actor in the whole movie/

  • Sean Alexander Watson

    i’m probably gonna get a lot of hate for this but I liked Johnny Depp as Tonto, I thought he was the best part of the movie

  • Casey Austin

    All though a few of your noms are reasonable, in Iron Man 3 it was clearly stated that Aldrich’s plan was to put someone in the presidency he had control over to own the “war on terror” so his weapon company AIM would have the manufacturing rights for the governments weapon contracts. he explained this clearly to pepper and tony on a few occasions (after iron patriot suit brought president, when tony was tied up).

  • pickaname

    I just discovered this, and I do agree with most of your posts. However, I don’t understand how you couldn’t find Idris Elba in Pacific Rim at the very least “cool” and the very most “great”. I thought he was absolutely badass.

  • eriksamdahl

    Yeah, he was fine, but still a bit cliche. Compared to everyone else, he was pretty badass.

  • Earych

    I loved PR. Having grown up on Ultraman, Spectraman Johnny Sokko and Voltron, I found the movie to be great fun. The fight scenes were exhilarating and the characters appropriately comic bookish.

  • Luis Romero

    Its funny how critics hate PR but defend others movies like Avengers for the same reasons. I don’t think PR is an Oscar winner but don’t feel all those characters are undimensional either. its like fine art some people don’t see nothing while others can read a whole book in the paint.

  • Luis Romero

    Agree, he made a great difference. he is a excellent actor.

  • jong

    I agree with you, some of the list here are really a great movie.
    I’m still wondering, how he come up with this list. Did he made survey or something? But my guess is he is just making his own opinion. and yes, he should change the title!

  • miktay

    The Wizard of Oz did explain why she became the wicked witch. And I liked Identity Thief

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2010758051/westerly Irabbit75

    Say what he will about Pacific Rim I thought the characters were as fleshed out as they needed to be for the situation. I think people expected a lot more character development than they should have considering it was a 2 hour movie and the real draw was the giant robots vs giant monsters. Still my favorite movie of 2013.

  • Earych

    Mine too. Still kicking myself for not seeing it in the theater.

  • http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2010758051/westerly Irabbit75

    Not to rub it in but i saw it in IMAX. Gypsy was lifesize and it was awesome.

  • Earych

    *falls to his knees and whimpers.

  • Grayson

    The general consensus for “You’re Next” is that it was supposed to be somewhat of a parody/satire on the horror genre, while not fully doing in the silly direction of the Scary Movie franchise. So really, the complaints about the characters in it were acting as they were supposed to. This is a school of thought on it anyway.

  • eriksamdahl

    Grayson, yes, including them here was a little tough because it may be intentional… though when I was watching the movie for the first time (which I enjoyed), it didn’t click with me that the bad acting/dialogue was intentional. So I am not fully bought into that theory… but bottom line, their inclusion on this list is somewhat questionable.

  • Grayson

    I haven’t fully bought into it either. I would have to read or hear the director saying that was his intent first. But it’s a thought.

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