The 13 Lamest Movie Characters of 2013
9. Diana in Identity Thief
In the terrible comedy Identity Thief, Melissa McCarthy plays a sociopathic woman who steals people’s identities – and their wealth – with no sense or compassion of remorse. Hilarious!
Of course, by the end of the movie, Diana has turned a corner, which means she’s not truly a sociopath but just a miserable human being. The problem, however, is that this miserable human being isn’t funny, and even worse, you can tell how hard McCarthy is trying – and failing – to be funny.
8. Adam Cassidy in Paranoia
Perhaps the least interesting entry on this list because it belongs to the least interesting character, Adam Cassidy, played by Thor Jr. (otherwise known as Liam Hemsworth), was an easy pick because for a lead protagonist, he brings about as little to his movie as any released all year.
Paranoia is a bland, generic thriller about competing mobile technology mobiles. Adam is a bland, generic young man who is supposed to be an intelligent and ambitious software engineer but who never actually proves that he is either.
7. Aldrich Killian in Iron Man 3
Readers of FilmJabber know of my disdain for Iron Man 3, and many of my issues with the movie stem from the cheesy and confusing villain Aldrich Killian, played by Guy Pearce. Years ago he was a neglected nerdy scientist but has grown into a dashing and successful man who has a thing for Pepper. He also has special powers that make his body explode and wants to… well, I am still not sure what he wanted to accomplish.
Does he want to take over the United States? Does he want to get revenge on Tony Stark for turning down a business proposal in the past? His motivations are never made clear, nor are his abilities. If he doesn’t know, I don’t know and I don’t care.
6. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in The Internship
The Internship wasn’t as bad as everyone says thanks to a reasonably entertaining second half, but watching and listening to Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson banter back and forth in the first half of the movie is painful, to say the least.
The two play unemployed adults who come up with the stupid idea of applying for internships at Google. For the sake of having a movie to tell (and a search engine to advertise), Google lets them into the program, where the two proceed to drive their teammates crazy by being as inane and obnoxious as possible.
5. John McClane in A Good Day to Die Hard
I love John McClane. He is one of the most likable, badass and entertaining action heroes of all time. In the fifth installment of the Die Hard franchise, however, he is an outright disaster.
McClane travels to Russia to retrieve his estranged son. There, he encounters his son – a CIA operative – who is in the middle of a mission to break a wanted criminal out of prison. Always a man of instinct, he decides to do what comes naturally to him: interfere with what’s happening like a nagging mother, then proceed to destroy half of Moscow to make up for it. Things only get more outlandish from there, though by that point the screenwriters have already established they don’t understand John McClane, or what makes a Die Hard movie tick.