The 13 Most Embarrassingly Dumb Scenes of 2013
9. Hugh Jackman’s testicles in Movie 43
You’ve never seen Movie 43 and hopefully never will, because it is a truly awful comedy that demonstrates how filmmakers, with the right connections, can trick A-list stars into making something even Satan frowns upon.
The movie begins with Kate Winslet’s character going on a blind date with a man named Davis, who is considered the city’s most eligible bachelor. Davis, played by Hugh Jackman, has a secret: testicles. On his chin. No joke.
No further explanation required.
8. CGI snakes attack the Identity Thief
Identity Thief is a bad, bad, bad movie. It is so unfunny it comes full circle to create a perfect, perpetual loop resulting in a comedic vacuum. While the movie is a disaster from Minute One, nothing exemplifies its awfulness more than a middle act scene where Jason Bateman’s character gets attacked by a poorly drawn CGI snake in the woods.
Why does Identity Thief have CGI snakes? Why are the characters in the woods? Why is the movie so unfunny? These are questions even God can’t answer with confidence.
7. Vin Diesel defies physics in Fast and Furious 6
The Fast and Furious franchise is absurd, and with every new iteration the filmmakers continue to push the realm of believability to the point that you have to assume the characters or cars are going to do something that makes no sense at all.
While for whatever reason I can forgive the 28-mile runway in the film’s climax, Fast and Furious 6 jumped the shark at the end of a sequence where a bunch of sports cars take on a tank, because that’s what happens in the Fast and Furious movies. Defying all physics and realism, Vin Diesel manages to propel himself out of a car, across a wide gap on a tall bridge, catch Michelle Rodriguez who is already flying through the air, and wrangle her to safety by slamming her into the windshield of another car.
It’s entertainment, but the worst kind of entertainment.
6. Iron Man climaxes in Iron Man 3
At the end of Iron Man 3, exploding villain Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce) kidnaps the President of the United States for some reason and Tony Stark shows up to save the day. After watching Stark run around for two hours trying to fix his damaged suit, it’s finally time to see him kick some ass. Except…
Suddenly, every Extremis-infected henchman can seemingly destroy Stark’s suits with incredible ease, which is rather surprising consider his single suit has survived an alien invasion and countless other dangerous situations. Furthermore, if Stark’s entire inventory of suits could fly to him at any time, why did he spend so long trying to fix his one suit? Why didn’t he just summon one earlier?
Don’t even get me started on Pepper Potts.
5. Swordplay #fail in Pacific Rim
Pacific Rim has its diehard fans. And then there are the rest of us. The movie is built upon a thousand great ideas, very few of which are expanded upon to the degree they needed to be to make Pacific Rim work. But on a simpler note, why not use the swords earlier?
For much of the movie, the gigantic robots spend their time punching and shooting invasive monsters without much success, unless you consider putting the entire human race at unnecessary risk. Suddenly, one of the robot pilots remembers she has a sword, and that sword proves to be an extremely effective weapon as swords have proven to be over thousands of years.
One commenter on a recent article about the 13 lamest movie characters of 2013 noted that the monsters apparently bleed toxic fumes, which is why swordplay is a last resort. But even still… wasn’t humanity backed into a corner long before the swords were drawn?