Some people are excited for 2009′s action movie G.I. Joe. After all, the movie is based on one of the most popular and iconic television shows of the 1980′s. There are millions of fanboys drooling over the release of this film (Garth, you reading?). And, other than the fact U.S. foreign policy is hated by most countries right now (the movie rectifies this by making G.I. Joe an international task force), a movie such as this is prime for the making.
However, you do realize G.I. Joe is going to suck, right? And when I say “suck”, I mean you are going to want to stick a vacuum cleaner inside your own skull and suck whatever remnants of your brain you have left. It’s going to be that bad.
Yes, the G.I. Joe movie is being directed by Stephen Sommers. This is old news, but as more and more casting developments emerge (Channing Tatum as Duke, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan), I finally realized who was masterminding the film. Sommers isn’t Uwe Boll, of course, but in terms of influence, power and reach, he is much, much worse. Unlike Uwe Boll’s films, which are terrible beyond belief but generally make a few million dollars in sales before disappearing into the night, Stephen Sommers movies actually make a ton of money.
Still holding out hope? Let me remind you that Stephen Sommers directed The Mummy. Okay, that one wasn’t that bad, if you like mindless entertainment. But he also directed The Mummy Returns, which is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Disagree with me on that? Tell me you liked the ending, where Brenden Fraser escapes the sandstorm and the little monkey mummies via a crude airship that showed up out nowhere to unleash upon the audience some of the most terrible special effects of the modern blockbuster. Come on, tell me you liked that ending! (if you did, I shake my head in pity) Oh, and Stephen Sommers also directed Van Helsing, another disaster of an action film that also featured some pretty lousy special effects.
And they put this man in charge of G.I. Joe, one of your childhood favorites. I feel your pain, I really do, but yes, G.I. Joe is going to suck big time.
Hi, my name is Stephen Sommers and I’m the director of the drama called G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I’ve been making movies since 1989, and in that time my goal has been to win an Oscar for Best Director. Or win a Razzie. I have yet to win either because Hollywood just doesn’t understand my sophisticated storytelling techniques or complex, layered characters. They just don’t understand. But audiences love my movies. They told me The Mummy was good, so I made a sequel. That movie made a lot of money, so I learned that people like ridiculous plots with terrible special effects. That’s how I came to make Van Helsing, one of the most celebrated films of this generation.
