The Animal Movie Review
Rob Schneider sinks to a new low in a savagely basic and idiotic collection of film snippets called The Animal.
The premise is simple: A weak and lame police cadet, incapable of actually making the force, gets animal parts put in him after a horrible accident, and is suddenly able to do amazing animal type things. Unfortunately, there are side effects, as he begins to have blackouts where his animal side runs wild (much like a werewolf?).
The script is even simpler. I would really love to read this thing because it can't be more than a few lines of horrid dialogue here and there, with a bunch of animal sounds thrown in. Half of this movie's comedy seems to be based on animal sounds, and I am smart enough to know that animal sounds alone are not very funny.
The acting is even worse. Even though Schneider co-wrote the film, he still must have lost a bet or something because The Animal is bad even for him. Sure, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo was stupid, but at least it was funny. The Animal isn't even remotely funny; it seriously is just one stupid scene after another. One line, right near the end of the movie (about racism) drew real laughs; the rest of the film drew laughs only because it was horribly cheesy. Anyway, getting back to the acting, don't expect much from "Survivor's" Colleen Haskell. I understand she has never acted before, but, then again, why is she acting? She is eye candy more than anything else, and eye candy can only win her so many on-screen minutes.
The worst part about The Animal is how crude it is. At first glance, the movie is pretty tame, but if you actually manage to sit through the film, you'll realize just how twisted and deranged this movie is. Many animal rights groups, if they even bothered watching the movie, must have been incredibly upset, because I know that I, a moderate animal lover, was disturbed. In one scene, the scientist who worked on Schneider offers him sex, and then the camera flashes to a chimp invitingly holding up its skirt. In another scene, Schneider gives an orangutan a nipple twist. It's just hideous.
The ending is also incredibly bad. The rest of The Animal is bad, but the ending is even worse. It is cliché, it is stupid, and it has the dumbest twist in the world. And it doesn't even conclude there; instead, the movie jumps ahead a year for one final, pointless scene.
Who knows what Schneider or anyone else was thinking when they made The Animal. Even cameo appearances from Norm MacDonald and Adam Sandler can't save their pals tepid picture. This one shouldn't even be fed to the dogs; it should go write into the dumpster.
Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.