The Legend of Hercules movie poster
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The Legend of Hercules
The Legend of Hercules movie poster

The Legend of Hercules Movie Review

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Well, that's 100 minutes I will never, ever get back. The Legend of Hercules is a SyFy Channel-esque horror show of bad acting, lame dialogue, cheesy graphics and piss poor action that somehow, through the alignment of planets or deal with the devil was honored with a theatrical release.

It is presumably, and hopefully, the lesser of two Hercules movies to be released in 2014, the other being a Paramount Pictures production starring an angry-looking Dwayne Johnson.

With that one not coming out until July, demigod fans and those who enjoy self punishment such as scrotum piercing and nipple 1080's have to settle for the Renny Harlin version. Harlin, by the way, hasn't made a good movie since the last millennium. Literally. It's frankly quite stunning the Cliffhanger helmer is even allowed near a camera anymore, let alone handed $70 million to make a movie starring Kellan Lutz and a bunch of other unrecognizable people.

Speaking of Lutz, he's terrible, has no screen presence and just doesn't look or feel like whatever you think Hercules should look or feel like. But to blame Lutz is wrong. The rest of the cast is equally terrible, in part because they have to wade through a dreadful screenplay with awful dialogue.

It's best to multitask while watching The Legend of Hercules, if you so dare or trust my judgment as a movie reviewer so little that you want to spite me by watching this movie, because within a few minutes your mind will wander to other things like reading emails in your Junk Folder. The Legend of Hercules is best experienced this way, because you'll catch as little of the dialogue and story as possible.

Harlin's movie essentially has the ripped demigod running around, smashing things with an axe (or stabbing things with a spear) and doing other dull acts we've seen in countless other movies. Harlin has no skill at filming PG-13 action; the action sequences are choppily edited and lack excitement as much as they lack bloodshed. Even these days $70 million is a lot of money, yet somehow the special effects are embarrassingly bad; I've seen worse in Sharknado, but I'd rather watch Sharknado.

The Legend of Hercules just has nothing going for it. Bad acting, bad writing and terrible, terrible, terrible direction by Renny Harlin makes this movie legendary, but not in the way intended. Avoid this one at all costs. I'm going to go pierce my scrotum now. You know, to make something of this evening.

Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.

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