There is only one thing worse than a bad horror movie, and that is a PG-13 horror movie. By the very definition a PG-13 horror movie is destined to lower expectations, to the point where it is hard to figure out why any director would even make such a film. The same can be said about They, an absolutely terrible movie that makes Darkness Falls look like an Oscar-worthy film.
They has a nearly identical plot to that of Darkness Falls (granted They came out two or so months before Falls); a woman is being stalked by some sort of creature (or creatures) that she saw when she was a child, but luckily for her they are afraid of the light. Unfortunately for her, when they appear, the lights tend to go out.
Yes, it is a very simplistic plot, but, after all, it is a horror movie. If only the director had tried to include some horror, it might not have been quite so bad...
They is frightfully un-scary, with only a few decently suspenseful parts that never amount to anything close to a "jump scene." Worst yet, there isn't a single death scene in the entire movie. Only three people get killed by the creatures, but all of the deaths take place off screen. Furthermore, the characters in this movie do every stupid thing that horror victims should not do, and then some. They really raise the bar for stupid characters in horror movies.
To cap things off, They is the only horror movie where the main character still thinks she is making everything up in her head with only twenty minutes left to go in the film. At least she isn't running around trying to convince everyone else that there are monsters hiding in the darkness, but it is very drab to spend 90 minutes watching the main character trying to convince herself. Finally, when she does realize that the monsters are real, what does she do? Why, she runs into an empty subway station in the middle of the night.
Essentially, They is an absolutely boring movie. It isn't scary, has absolutely no gore (no sex or nudity to add to the blow) and is easily one of the worst horror movies ever made.
Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.
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