Winter's Tale Movie Review
Winter’s Tale. What. The. Fuck.
Colin Farrell stars in this Akiva Goldsman-directed romantic drama that make absolutely no sense, primarily because it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Russell Crowe plays a mob boss who is actually an angry demon, and who reports to Lucifer himself—played by a T-shirt-clad Will Smith. What. The. Fuck.
The weird thing is that Winter’s Tale doesn’t even feel like a fantasy adventure; it is primarily about a thief who falls in love with the hot chick from Downtown Abbey—you know, the one who got killed off after she got sick. In the movie, the two bond instantly, and guess what—she’s still sick, even here! All of the fantasy elements simply feel out of place, and yet they are so crucial to what this movie is about.
What it’s about, I don’t know, but I know they are crucial.
Winter’s Tale is just full of strange-ass shit, like a white horse that is actually Farrell’s guardian angel, scenes where Russell Crowe slits a man’s throat at a restaurant and then proceeds to paint with his blood for no apparent reason, and even weirder… a third act set in 2014, a hundred years after Farrell’s character has been bonked on the head, causing him to wander around aimlessly for a century before finally remembering his purpose. What. The. Fuck.
You can’t make this shit up. Well, you can, because Akiva Goldsman wrote the screenplay, adapting a novel by Mark Helprin.
The problem with Winter’s Tale is not just that it makes no sense, or that it feels like a hodgepodge of different movies shoved together, or that the movie just isn’t very good… it’s that the movie is such an epic waste of talent.
Beyond Crowe, Farrell and Jessica Brown Findlay (the sickly hot sick chick from Downton Abbey), William Hurt, Jennifer Connelly and the aforementioned Will Smith, among others, somehow got tricked into participating in this disaster—likely due to Goldsman’s reputation in the industry, and presumably because Goldsman has blackmail footage of these celebrities engaging in sexual acts with sheep. Every actor in the movie looks utterly confused by the material.
Winter’s Tale is one of those absurdly bad movies you almost have to see to believe. Its plot makes no sense, the talented cast are under duress the entire time and… it just makes no sense. Winter’s Tale. What. The. Fuck. And Akiva Goldsman… What. The. Fuck.
Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.