Fifty Shades of Grey movie poster
F
FilmJabber
NA
Users
YOUR RATING
A
B
C
D
F
Fifty Shades of Grey
Fifty Shades of Grey movie poster

Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Review

Now available on Blu-ray and DVD (Buy on Amazon)

FIFTY SHADES OF Grey: HARD F

Bad softcore porn is more entertaining than this, and for many reasons. The long-shafted-awaited Fifty Shades of Grey is here, legs wide and ready to be pounded by critics. And audiences. Or are we the ones being pounded?

The movie, based on the Twilight-fan-fiction-turned-steamy-non-supernatural-romance-which-really-says-it-all-right-there book, is about a nervously attractive virgin with the porn/stripper name Anastasia Steele, who falls in love with Christian Grey, a young and handsome billionaire whose only flaw is that he has no interest in traditional romance--but plenty in dominant/submissive relationships. Despite Grey being a dull, controlling, emotionless asshole, Anastasia cannot get enough of him, sort of, because, you know…

He’s fucking rich.

I’d like to say that Fifty Shades of Grey is at least an up-and-down experience, that it penetrates you even in ways you’d be ashamed of, or that it is explosive fun that you can enjoy in the moment and only feel guilty about the next day, but it is not. It is none of those things.

The first 20 or so minutes offer promise, because as poorly written, eye-rollingly dumb, and pathetically constructed the movie is, it’s so cheesy it’s funny. The audience, looking for a scandalous, plotless and R-rated good time--what’s the difference between this and softcore porn, again?--hooted and hollered at every bad line, every innuendo. But then they, by and large, realized that what director Sam Taylor-Johnson--strapped with the awful source material by E.L. James--had concocted was nothing more than a fantasy tease, a bland, meaningless, aimless story with two unlikable characters. And the theater grew silent.

At least put some fucking sparkling vampires in this shit.

Dakota Johnson is actually decent in the movie, though it may have been better off had she not tried so hard. Luckily her co-star Jamie Dornan is not up to the task of actually delivering anything resembling a real character, though it’s hard to say where the bad writing ends and the bad writing begins. But the acting is hardly the movie’s problem.

Fifty Shades of Grey is at least supposed to be edgy, to at least offer plenty of scandalous sex scenes, but the movie is merely a kinky drama without the kink. Johnson gets naked plenty, but there were more excitement-inducing sex scenes in “Golden Girls.”

The movie is over two hours long, but it feels much longer. That’s what she said. It’s a hard experience--that’s what she said--to swallow--that’s what she said--not only because of the message, or the story, or the characters, but because there is literally nothing to the product. Nothing happens--nothing interesting, anyway.

I was going to title this movie review “Legs Wide Open,” but a more fitting title is “Hard F”--one proposed by my girlfriend, who hated the movie even more than me. And as much as I’ve enjoyed writing this piece, as much as giving Fifty Shades of Grey a hard F is gratifying to me, I still feel like I was the one who got bent over, tied up and given a hard F.

Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.

F
FilmJabber
NA
Users
YOUR RATING
A
B
C
D
F